It's the little things

So I know I haven't written in forever. To be honest, I've had so much going on that just picking one thing is impossible.  But here's a basic update.  I've attended a couple more mission farewells since I last wrote.  I love these friends and am so proud and grateful to them for their beautiful examples.  They are going to be fantastic missionaries.  I got to spend an entire week with my baby brother while my parents and other brother went on trek together.  It was so fun to go to the Zoo, a museum, help him with this homework and just spend some quality time together.  I'm still doing Krav Maga except this week I haven't been yet because of some injuries and sheer exhaustion.  Causes for those injuries and exhaustion reflect major stupidity so they won't be shared here haha.  I've been studying, reading and learning more in preparation for my mission.  It feels good to continue learning and expounding my knowledge of what I specifically need to learn.  Last week was the week of constant fun.  I saw two shows at a local out door amphitheater and they were both fantastic.  I went to a very popular rodeo with one of my best friends.  I saw an old friend I haven't seen in forever and rekindled contact with them.  I went to a popular theme park with my brothers and had an absolute blast watching them go on all the rides.  I went Latin dancing and got told I was a good dancer at about six times... It's a lot of fun to be one of the only white girls in the club and still get asked to dance.  

The biggest news of all is that my mission papers are at church head quarters.  They are in Salt Lake City, Utah.  What will happen now is that the church officials who issue the calls will look at my application.  They will see all of my information.  Then, through inspiration from the Holy Ghost, they will assign me to a mission.  I've listed on my application that I want to go to Rome, Italy and that I've taken three years of German.  But I will go wherever I am sent.  If I end up going to the middle of nowhere then that is where I will be needed.  So now it's just time to wait.  If they get my call issued quickly, I could have my call by July 3rd.  But because next week is the 4th of July, I will probably get it in the next 3 weeks or so.  I am nervous that I won't get it for about 6-8 weeks as that has happened to some missionaries.  To keep my sanity during the suspense, I'm doing my best to trust that the Lord will help me be patient for another month or so.  But once I get my call then life really settles in.  If I go out in a month then I will just keep doing what I'm doing now and make minor adjustments to help me prepare even more.  If I go out in 5 months I will get a job because I have lost quite a bit of money during these last 3 months. 

One of the best things about getting my papers up to Salt Lake City, was talking with my Stake President.  For those who don't know, each member of the church is in either a branch (a small group of Mormons usually between 5-30 people) or a ward (a larger group of Mormons usually between 100-1000) people.  Well a Stake is a group of wards.  So the branch president is in charge of the branch, the bishop is in charge of the ward and the Stake President is in charge of the Stake.  Well before a missionary can send their mission papers to Salt Lake, they need to meet with the Stake President. 
My Stake just recently sustained a new Stake President.  He and I met and he asked me several questions pertaining to my worthiness to go on a mission.  I won't go into detail about those questions but this I will say.  I have never felt happier in my life then being able to say yes and no to the right questions with a full and honest heart.  To know that my life is in order and that I living worthy enough to be a servant of the Lord.... it is the most priceless happy feeling.  I don't say this to brag.  Rather I say it to share my joy that has come from preparing for a mission.

As time goes on, I'm learning more and more about what it means to truly turn your life over to Heavenly Father.  There are some little habits, like spending too much time on the computer, that I know I need to break before I go out in the mission field.  These habits aren't keeping me from going on a mission, but there could be better things I can do with my time.  And it's hard.  It's hard to change.  But I have seen blessings come into my life and I am working on making these changes.  This is why preparing for a mission has brought joy to my life.  As soon as I decided to go on a mission, I began making little changes to become better.  I think the average human reaction to change is to run or hide from it... or take matters into our own hands to stop it.  But when we change for the better, though it can be a long, strenuous and painful process, the blessings that come from it make the journey completely worth it. 

Fighter mentality

"So what do you like to do for fun?"
"I do Krav Maga"
"What's that?"
"Israeli Combat fighting.  I also do one day of Jiu Jitsu every week."  *initiate look of terror, confusion, attraction or weirded out.* 

This is what happens to me every time I tell someone I do Krav Maga.  I know I've mentioned it before but for those who don't know, Krav is Israeli Hand Combat.  Brought over from Israel, it is a fast and furious martial art... and a killer workout.  Jiu Jitsu is ground fighting that involves a lot of chokes and holds to either break or tear ligaments or bones, or cut off blood flow to the brain and make someone pass out. 

I decided to do it because I'm not working so I have way too much time on my hands.  I want to get in shape quickly.  I am going to go on a mission, so I need to learn how to defend myself.  In case I were to get in a situation where I needed to defend myself and/or my companion, especially if my companion was somehow limited in defending herself, then I could do it and probably not get injured in the process.  Even if I was knocked down I could find ways to get up. 

 I love Krav because the coaches are fantastic.  They teach you the moves, tell you what you did wrong, but they never make you feel like crap.  I feel like I can do anything while I'm with these instructors.  Sometimes I want to give them a face full of knuckles after making us do another round of push ups because someone didn't do the drill all the way.  Sometimes I want to break down because they're screaming at me to keep going and never give up even when my knee is about to give out.  But I have great respect for my teachers. 

As a girl, it boosts my confidence dramatically.  I feel fit, strong, capable, and that much more prepared for any situation.  I'm losing weight and getting stronger arms, legs and abs.  Even though I'm only a level one, and I probably won't test for level two for another month, I have a solid foundation of defenses to draw from.  I go dancing with my friends in a city.  I feel much more safe walking back to the car with my friends at 2 am. 
 
 So why am I engaging in such brutal and physically demanding sports that could permanently disable someone if executed hard enough?  It's not just for the mission.  It's because I am learning to push through something hard, without the option of giving up or quitting.  Now I have had my trials in my life.  Some of them I did give up on and they eventually floated away with time.  Others I gave up on temporarily until I felt I was strong enough to face them.  Sometimes I was able to wait until I was ready to face them and other times they would just knock me down harder than I ever imagined.  And there are some that I have fought until the very end.  I know that In the mission field, (unless it is absolutely necessary), there is no such thing as quitting.  There's no such thing as giving up because it's hard.  I know I will have many experiences where I just want to break down and cry because I'm emotionally drained and physically exhausted.  But I will have to keep going.  In a fight, it's the same concept.  The foe is not going to back off to let you take a break.  They'll throw the hits, kicks, and weapons until you beat them, or they tire out. 

I'm at a point in my life where I will be bearing responsibilities and trials that, if gave up on them, would produce deadly consequences.  You may be thinking, "wow this chick is a wimp if she's using a fighting class to learn how to be tough."  I'm not going to debate what determines a strong person.  Even though my trials may seem smaller to others, they were big to me.  They were what I needed.  Right now, this class is what I need.   I pay for it myself so I know that if I don't go, that's another massive amount of money down the tubes for no reason (and that's a big deal because this class costs more than a hundred a month.)  While I'm there, there are so many moments where I want to just break down and cry.  Either because it hurts, I'm sore, I'm tired or the next choke defense drill is absolutely terrifying.  But I signed up for it.  So I force it back and keep going.  All of it is physical training but it's also mental training.  It's training to keep going, don't stop, put in the extra mile because that is what makes the difference.  One of the greatest lessons I've learned is that the mind gives up before the body. This class isn't just giving me toned arms.  It is helping me develop the mental will power to keep fighting and keep going... even when it's tough. 

MISSION PAPERS

It has happened.  FINALLY.  My MISSION PAPERS ARE IN.  I have completed the online application process and all the necessary paperwork.  I cannot be more thrilled.  I feel at peace, content and ready to take on the challenges that will come in these next few months before I actually enter the MTC.  Before tonight, I was feeling anxious, jittery, disappointed, impatient, frustrated and this overall feeling that I was screwing up.  The feeling that I am doing what the Lord would have me do right now is incomprehensibly wonderful.  I cannot wait to serve a mission.  I cannot wait to take the joy of the Gospel to those who have not heard it.  I started this journey on October 6, 2012.  I have taken several steps.  Tonight I took a leap. 

Those Good Ol' Times... are NOW!

*names are changed

Today I had the great privilege to attend my college friend Zach's mission farewell.  The farewell was at a ghastly 9 am.  But it was wonderful.  I drove up to my friend *Steven's house and me, him and his cute girlfriend *Marie all carpooled to the farewell.  I hadn't seen these friends since school got out. 

Now let me give some hilarious history between me and all these people.  Steven originally liked my roommate *Brittany.  When Brittany didn't feel the same way he quit pursuing her and started dating Marie a short time later.  I met Steven and Zach through Brittany.  I became Zach's relationship therapist and participator in endless theater conversations.  Marie was in a theater class with me but we didn't really become friends till she started dating Steven.  But what makes it all funny is that I kissed Steven.  Many schools have a True (mascot) night.  You gather at a specific place on campus and kiss another student and then you become a true (whatever the mascot is).  Of course that was before Steven started dating Marie but it was while he was pursuing Brittany.  So there you have it, a mixed web of friendship, romance and awesomeness.

It was so wonderful to spend time with these friends and watch a fantastic farewell talk that was so... Zach.  All the "ums", laughs, and ranting (because that's mostly what the talk was) was concluded with a beautiful testimony.  To watch him just be himself up on the stand and bear a simple, pure and profound testimony was beautiful. 

After the farewell talk we went to Zach's house for a farewell party.  For those outside the church, it is customary to attend friends mission farewells.  Afterwards the friends family provides food for all the guests that traveled for the farewell specifically.  The ward and neighbors usually don't come to the after party.  Usually it is just family and close friends.  But the food was absolutely delicious.  Home made Barbacoa (a delicious Mexican restaurant) Pork Burritos, desserts galore, chips and dip, crackers and cheese and lemonade filled our hungry tummies.  I met Zach's friends, family and caught up with other friends from college.

While at Zach's house, sitting under a big shady tree, reminiscing about college stories and laughing with my wonderful friends, I felt I could sit under that tree forever.  Surrounded by people I love, good food, without a care in the world, it was absolute bliss.  I logged this memory as one of the best.  My friends lives and mine are rapidly changing right now as most of us are preparing for missions.  The thought of not seeing these beautiful people for years tugged at my heart strings.  But then I realized, these good ol' times were now.  The good ol' times we had in college are in the past.  But the ones we have when we all go back to school are waiting in our futures.  It gave me comfort knowing that even though our lives were rapidly changing, the ties of friendship and love between all of us hadn't changed.  We returned to the crazy, immature hyper dynamic that existed between all of us during college.  I have a feeling that's how it will always be. 

 After the party, Steven, Marie and I all went to the local LDS Temple in Zach's hometown.  We had never been to that Temple specifically, so we walked around taking pictures and thinking about how we were all going to enter the Temple in the future.  The Spirit was so incredibly strong and I couldn't think of a better place to be than walking around the Temple with two amazing friends.  

 I walked away from this experience with a bigger perspective of spending time with those we love.  Even though we want it to last forever, it won't in this life.  People go on missions, go to school, get married, have kids, start careers and move around while exploring this beautiful earth.  But I'm grateful that in the next life I will be with my friends again.  There is a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants that, when summed up, states that the acquaintances we have on earth will exist in Heaven.  I truly valued the time I got to spend with my friends today.  And the thought of being able to be with the family and friends I love for eternity.... priceless.   

The Gift of Dancing

                                                               Country Swing Dancing

I am completely in love with partner dancing.  Last night, I had the great privilege to go Country Swing Dancing with a good friend of mine at a fantastic club.  Even though my body was completely exhausted from a massive Krav Maga session, I was still able to get some really good dances.  Along with Country swing, I do West Coast swing dancing, blues dancing and I know the basic steps to most of the ballroom dances including Salsa, Cha Cha, Waltz, Tango and a few others.  I firmly believe that every man and woman should know how to dance.  Here are my reasons.



                  West Coast Swing Dancing
           

For the men.
1)  This is one activity where you can get your arms around a girl two minutes after you get there and you don't have to be drunk or high.
2)  Girls will flock to you by the dozens if you know how to dance.
3)  The door fee is cheap.
4)  You will not be the only man in the club.
5)  You have the power to ask girls to dance.  You also have the power to decide which girls you do and do not want to dance with.
      

For the women.
1)  This is one of several activities where you can be in a guys arms two minutes after you get there and you don't have to be drunk or high.
2)  It makes a great night out with the girls.
3)  The door fee is cheap.
4)  It torches calories.
5)  You have the power to ask a guy to dance.  You have the power to walk away from a dance and refuse one all together.

                                                                                     Blues Dancing

                  

So why do I go dancing?  Well first off because it's hours upon hours of exercising.  It releases tons of endorphins.  It makes me feel happy, fit, sexy, and talented.
Dancing takes time to perfect.  To some this may be a discouragement.  But for me, it is a motivator.  Knowing that there is always something to work on helps me do my best every night.
There is always more girls than guys.  But most of the guys there are talented dancers and extremely attractive.  I'll meet about 10-20 new  guys a night.  Sometimes guys will ask me to teach them more moves.  That means more time for me to spend with a new hot guy.   
Dancing is a sport that requires immediate chemical connection.  What I mean by this is that in order to have a successful dance, both partners need to be connected through touch as well as mentally.  In country, the guy is always holding the girls hand in some form.  Eye contact and body movement help keep a mental connection.  Establishing a great connection makes for a great dance.

Salsa Dancing


Some of my favorite memories are having my friends next to me as we're performing line dances and watching each other add our own individual flares to it.

Earlier I talked about how women can ask a guy to dance as well as refuse an offer to dance.  Many times I have asked a guy to dance and ended up having a great dance.  And I have said no before.  Exercising these powers boosts my confidence.  Sure it may be an ego killer for the guy, but when I know that I'm going to walk away from that dance feeling extremely uncomfortable, I'm not going to dance with him. 
Most importantly I go dancing because I love it.  I love the thrill, the adrenaline rush, the ego stroke, the look on people's faces when I tell them I do dancing... all of it.  I love walking away after dancing with a really hot guy and feeling like I'm on cloud nine.  I love getting dolled up.  I love laughing with my friends at Denny's after dancing; sipping mango smoothies and listening to the 3 am stream of consciousness echoing around the table.  And I love the feeling of instantly falling asleep when my head hits the pillow.

                                                                              The Waltz

I encourage everyone to learn dancing.  We have our bodies.  Learn to use to express emotion and become more fit, flexible, and full of awesome moves.  Don't be afraid of it.  If you need lessons, ask a friend or take some.  If it's hard at first, keep practicing.  Watch good dancers and study their movements.  Put yourself out there.  Trust me!  It's a beautiful new world always available. 

Learning about Myself and Change

So I'm starting to learn more about myself through tons of journal writing and preparing for my mission.  First off is that because I'm preparing to leave for a year and a half, I'm starting to pull away from my friends and family instead of spend more time with them.  I didn't realize this at first but as time has passed it's becoming more apparent.  Logically, if a person is going to leave then they should be spending extra time with the ones they love.  Well my logic is that if I don't spend as much time with my friends and family then it won't be as hard to leave them.  But I'm also realizing that a lot of my friends are thinking that I'm ignoring them and I'm missing out on beautiful opportunities to make amazing memories with my family.  So I'm trying to change.  I planned a couple outings with friends this week.  Also I'm going to try to spend more time with my family. 

Another thing I've learned is that I have some insecurities about myself that I didn't think were that prominent.  I was updating a journal entry about a relationship I was in last summer.  I found myself writing about how this guy was so hot that, despite him treating me like a queen, I felt incredibly inadequate about my body shape and image compared to him.  I realized this feeling of inadequacy was contributing to other worries and doubts about myself as well.  I know that if I want to fix these insecurities I need to run everyday, really watch what I eat and believe that I can do it.  But it's very challenging for me to do all of those things.  I had a knee injury about a month ago so running hurts.  I like to eat... I'm Italian.  We eat, we eat a lot, and we know how to cook good food to keep eating.  Believing that I can do it is difficult because I can't really see myself as I would like to be.  I think I can in my head, but actually putting that into action has been almost impossible for me.  But my plan is to keep trying.  I am not one to give up unless there is absolutely no way something can happen.  Even then I try and look for solutions.

I'm learning more about a mission in general.  I'm starting to make the mental mind switch from life being all about me and my future, to being about other people's future.  It's not like I try and be a selfish brat.  But when I'm at college and working, I'm learning and investing in my future.  Focusing on making sure that I'm going down the right path is essential for success.  But a mission is the complete opposite.  A mission is literally focusing on others 24/7.  This is why it is such a blessing.  When you take a young and inexperienced man or woman, and put them in an environment that requires them to think about others 24/7, they change... for the better. 

Spiritually, I'm starting to tune in more to the promptings of the Holy Ghost.  For example, yesterday my brother played in the championship with his baseball team.  My plan was to skip the game, go to Krav Maga, and then go west coast swing dancing after.  I pay good money for Krav Maga so I want to get in as many sessions as I can.  Dancing makes me incredibly happy and the more I do it, the better I become at it.  But as I thought more and more about that plan, I felt uncomfortable with it.  While they are all good activities, I felt like I needed to be there to watch my brothers game.  I am so glad I stayed for that game.  It was a great fast paced game and even better, my brothers team won the game.  The look of pure victory on my brothers face was priceless.  There will always be Krav and dancing but a baseball game is a 2 hour once in a life time experience.

So change comes with time.  It's hard, painful but if executed for the right reasons, is completely worth it.  Change is a choice.  We choose to exercise our powers and abilities to erect change in our habits, thoughts, words, ideas, thinking patterns and ultimately our actions.  I've heard some people say that change is impossible because they lack this or that.  Because we all have individual and different circumstances I'm not one to judge.  But what I do know is that when we use what we have to change for the better, it is truly worth the effort.  

Prayer of relief

Yesterday I had a wonderful experience that taught me more about the power or prayer.  Lately I've been feeling really down.  I am waiting for my passport to come so I can turn in my mission papers.  While it will be helpful to have my passport before my mission, the waiting period becomes increasingly difficult day by day.  I'm not working because I quit my jobs so I have tons of time on my hands.  I'm not pursuing any more employment until I get my call.  Once I know how long I will be around before I go on my mission then I can get a job.  But because I don't know how long it will take, there's no reason to try and get a job only to quit a month later.  I'm filling my time writing in my journal, exercising, doing Krav Maga, dancing, going to institute, church and trying to spend time with my family.  But I am so used to a strict cookie cutter schedule of tasks that having extra time on my hands starts to make me feel useless and unproductive.  Because I'm going on a mission I'm not dating or socializing as much which bums me out sometimes because I am a major flirt and love socializing and meeting new people... especially tons of new guys.  Also the thought of meeting more people only to leave them for a year and a half makes socializing with new people and with my friends seem almost pointless.  Now don't get me wrong, I still hang out with my friends and family but it is hard to think that I'm going to leave them.  But the worst part is the feeling that Satan is really working on me to get me to not go.  Doubts, temptations, and fears I've never really dealt with creep in and it is hard work to keep the goal in sight.  Another big problem I was noticing though was that I was doing good things but not really doing what the Lord would have me be doing.  There was a talk given in General Conference that focused on the theme of good, better and best.  There are good things we can do, better things, and then the best things.  Right now I feel like I'm doing the good and the better but not the best.  By not doing the best, I'm missing out on preparation and blessings.  I need some lifestyle changes including eating healthier, drinking more water, and getting to bed before midnight. 

So with all the waiting and worrying and doubts... needless to say it was starting to build up and get overwhelming.  Well I talked to my dad about it telling him everything.  He told me to get on my knees and give these burdens, fears, doubts, and worries over to the Lord.  I like to have complete control over my life so when I don't have control over everything I start getting fussy and picky.  It is hard for me to hand my entire life over to the Lord sometimes.  There have been other times like this where I have had to get on my knees and just give it all to the Lord in order to keep progressing.  Well last night i did my regular scripture and Preach my Gospel Study.  I then began to pray.  One thing that helped tremendously was that for the first half of my prayer, I just thanked the Lord for as many blessings as I could think of.  When we turn our hearts over to gratitude, our burdens truly do seem to lift.  After that I poured out all the worries, doubts, fears, troubles, problems, stumbling blocks, trials and anxieties of my heart.  I gave it all to God. 

I know the Lord can never lead us in the wrong path.  He may bring us to trials but if he brings us to it he will bring us through it, if we rely on him.  His infinite love is manifest in Christ's atonement.  Well after my prayer I began writing the promptings and thoughts that came to my mind.  I started reading some New Era (the magazine the church prints out for the teenagers) and some more scriptures.  It truly was a spiritual feast.  I found the answers I needed.  I felt comfort.  I realized that part of the problem had been that I wasn't really pouring out my heart during my prayers.  Also, I regularly attend the temple as much as I can.  The temple near my house had been closed and I hadn't taken the time to go to another temple.  But I was so incredibly grateful for the answers and comfort I felt. 

I still have changes and corrections to make in my life.  But they will be made.  I testify that the Lord does hear our prayers and he does answer them.  In order to receive answers we need to earnestly ask for them, having faith that we will receive an answer, and then do our best to be obedient to all of the commandments.