So I'm starting to learn more about myself through tons of journal writing and preparing for my mission. First off is that because I'm preparing to leave for a year and a half, I'm starting to pull away from my friends and family instead of spend more time with them. I didn't realize this at first but as time has passed it's becoming more apparent. Logically, if a person is going to leave then they should be spending extra time with the ones they love. Well my logic is that if I don't spend as much time with my friends and family then it won't be as hard to leave them. But I'm also realizing that a lot of my friends are thinking that I'm ignoring them and I'm missing out on beautiful opportunities to make amazing memories with my family. So I'm trying to change. I planned a couple outings with friends this week. Also I'm going to try to spend more time with my family.
Another thing I've learned is that I have some insecurities about myself that I didn't think were that prominent. I was updating a journal entry about a relationship I was in last summer. I found myself writing about how this guy was so hot that, despite him treating me like a queen, I felt incredibly inadequate about my body shape and image compared to him. I realized this feeling of inadequacy was contributing to other worries and doubts about myself as well. I know that if I want to fix these insecurities I need to run everyday, really watch what I eat and believe that I can do it. But it's very challenging for me to do all of those things. I had a knee injury about a month ago so running hurts. I like to eat... I'm Italian. We eat, we eat a lot, and we know how to cook good food to keep eating. Believing that I can do it is difficult because I can't really see myself as I would like to be. I think I can in my head, but actually putting that into action has been almost impossible for me. But my plan is to keep trying. I am not one to give up unless there is absolutely no way something can happen. Even then I try and look for solutions.
I'm learning more about a mission in general. I'm starting to make the mental mind switch from life being all about me and my future, to being about other people's future. It's not like I try and be a selfish brat. But when I'm at college and working, I'm learning and investing in my future. Focusing on making sure that I'm going down the right path is essential for success. But a mission is the complete opposite. A mission is literally focusing on others 24/7. This is why it is such a blessing. When you take a young and inexperienced man or woman, and put them in an environment that requires them to think about others 24/7, they change... for the better.
Spiritually, I'm starting to tune in more to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. For example, yesterday my brother played in the championship with his baseball team. My plan was to skip the game, go to Krav Maga, and then go west coast swing dancing after. I pay good money for Krav Maga so I want to get in as many sessions as I can. Dancing makes me incredibly happy and the more I do it, the better I become at it. But as I thought more and more about that plan, I felt uncomfortable with it. While they are all good activities, I felt like I needed to be there to watch my brothers game. I am so glad I stayed for that game. It was a great fast paced game and even better, my brothers team won the game. The look of pure victory on my brothers face was priceless. There will always be Krav and dancing but a baseball game is a 2 hour once in a life time experience.
So change comes with time. It's hard, painful but if executed for the right reasons, is completely worth it. Change is a choice. We choose to exercise our powers and abilities to erect change in our habits, thoughts, words, ideas, thinking patterns and ultimately our actions. I've heard some people say that change is impossible because they lack this or that. Because we all have individual and different circumstances I'm not one to judge. But what I do know is that when we use what we have to change for the better, it is truly worth the effort.
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